My hobby is organizing in-person meetups for random people to get together, chat and make friends. Barely structured, if at all. I've found this rewarding and ended up making friends this way.
You have to accept that 5-15% of the people who would show up to something like this are genuine weirdos you probably don't want to be around. And another 10% at any given meetup are autistic or neuro-divergent but well-meaning, kind and full of interesting insights and hobbies, although perhaps difficult to socialize with, at least until they get to know you're well-meaning too.
These challenges come with the territory. You end up talking to people you'd otherwise never meet in the normal course of your life, and it's neutral at worst and wonderful at best.
I'm on the other side of this, in that I attend a lot of these.
I made a big effort about 12 years ago to go to a bunch of these (like three meetups a week and trying out a variety of different meetups), but now I mostly stick to a couple of them as I don't have as much time or energy for it anymore. But I've met most of my current friends through those meetups.
Find one you like and keep showing up until you're a regular, and get to know people slowly, and if they like you they start inviting you to things outside of the meetup, and then eventually you end up being friends.
I've done this with three different groups over the years and despite naturally being shy and an introvert I've ended up making friends at each one.
At the height of me doing this (like ten years ago), it got to the point where I'd go about my daily life and about once every other month I'd run into random people I've met at meetups also out and about. Like go out to dinner and spot someone I knew from a meetup also showing up to the same place, or run into them shopping at a Best Buy or something.
Meetups where you do a shared activity seems to be the best, like hikes or movies (+ dinner afterwards) or board games, since you can always focus on the activity if you don't feel like being social, and you have that activity you can always talk about as a subject.
Between the genuine weirdos, the autistic and/or the neuro-divergent, is there anyone left, really? Do the "normies" genuinely exist? Happy-go-lucky, knows a bit about everything but doesn't nerd out on anything, picks up every conversation subject and listens and holds their own in a manner that is just right? I am genuinely curious about the existence of these "superhumans".
There are many many of these socially-skilled normies. But, by virtue of being socially skilled, most have already pretty much filled up their social capacity and don't tend to show up at the kind of venues dedicated to helping under-socialized people meet up.
While there is often a "normal" (bell-curve fitting) distribution for individual factors, putting them together can be counter-intuitive.
> Even when considering just three dimensions, fewer than 5% of pilots were “average” in all. [1]
I would guess many/most people probably think they fall into either (1) the normal bucket or (変) the weird/fringe bucket. Either "I am pretty normal" or "I am an outsider". How many think "We're all fairly different once you cluster in any 3 interesting dimensions!"?
But people feel that dichotomy, which makes me think it is largely about perception relative to a dominant culture: the in-group versus out-group feeling. For example, atheists might feel like outsiders in many parts of the U.S., but less so in big cities and in other countries. In dense urban walkable cities (like NYC), people see diversity more directly and more often. Seeing a bunch of people is different than seeing a bunch of cars.
I think it should be fairly easy to determine if atheists really are outsiders in parts of the US or if it's just perception: just look at voting results, and church attendance for any given area. I don't think it's merely perception at all; visit any rural area and you'll likely see a surprising number of churches relative to the population.
Also, seeing people walking around in public doesn't tell you anything about their religious beliefs unless they're in some sect where they make it obvious with their clothing or hairstyle.
"Just"? How would you build a predictive model that inferred aggregate individual qualities such as
"% atheists" based on voting results? That would be a rather indirect and distorted path for estimation. There are better ways.
It's not a great way, admittedly, but there is a very high correlation between Republican voters and religiosity. Very high turnout for Republican candidates plus lots of active churches in an economically-poor area I think is a reliable indication that atheism in that area is low.
it's a Japanese word for "weird". I'm guessing that OP is a bit of an Otaku (aka "obsessed with Japan") -- which is either ironic or completely appropriate.
My first thought was that they were an LLM, but then checking their profile it seems they've been around since 2012 and have a comment expressing that they seem to get accused of being an LLM a lot, and suggesting people don't do that.
> Quite soon these accusations will nearly always be accurate.
/headscratching They don't have to be, do they? It is possible that some people will build identity systems with norms that e.g. humans type with their own hands. These could become popular, at least conceivably, in certain areas. Hard to enforce for sure. And getting harder and harder to distinguish reliably.
The "normie" doesn't really exist. Everyone is kind of weird in some aspect, which might not be obvious on a surface level.
But having gone to a bunch of programming meetups, the majority of people are perfectly pleasant and good to socialise with. The weirdos are usually non tech people who have an app or crypto idea they want help with. Or just total crazy people who just showed up to the first event they could find regardless of topic.
Sounds like a really cool idea. How do you organize the meetup and promote it to people if it ends up being random people? Do you set it up on meetup.com and have a theme at the minimum?
I've been to a lot of meetups and it's definitely hit or miss and obviously depends on the sociability of the people that show up. The better ones I've attended are generally ones where people aren't trying to network for work purposes and are there literally to just socialize. The networking ones I find very dull as it's people just talking shop and career and if you've nothing to offer them on the career front, they move on quickly.
I have literally never been to any kind of organized gathering where this wasn't the objective of most of the people there. Family and children's events excluded (sometimes).
I have been in partying in my teens and twens, 3 years somehow "heavily". When I turned 40, I found out the only reason I went to parties and clubs for me was to meet girls.
This reminds me of [0], basically just inviting the most interesting people I know (also transitively the most interesting people they know), and just getting to meet people.
I would really like to do this, but half the most interesting people I know are PhD professors I rant with because I'm next to them in a lab. Maybe once my network gets bigger.
But I would still like to know more about how you do this, as other people doing this accidentally made me some good friendships, and I'd like to repay this favor to others
Easy two-part process: First part is putting our "feelers", ask/tell a bunch of people "You know, I'm thinking of maybe hosting a dinner party/barbecue/beach day" and see what reaction you get from people. If sufficient people (sometimes just 2) give somewhat interested vibes, ask again what dates people could do it at, then you send out an invite.
You'd get a bunch of people who say yes but then don't show, this is normal and don't take it personally. Secondly, maybe the first 2-3 times it'd be hard to get people to commit, but once you do it more regularly, people will find it easier to commit to something they know you're already committed to.
How I do it is context-specific. I used to live in a place where it's undoable and I was very lonely there. I moved to a place where people are much more open to it culturally and there's enough population to +/- bring in a constant flow of 4:1 regulars to newbies.
I advertise on local meetup platforms and in local social media. And I go to so many meetups myself that when people ask me what my hobbies are and I tell them, they get curious and self-invite.
Be courteous, kind, don't accept invites, tell them you're not interested if they're making unwanted advances, and treat them as humans. If they seem receptive and able to handle constructive feedback, tell them what sticks out to you, otherwise just ignore it and move on.
Basically the same way you handle the exact same situation outside of organizing meetups, but maybe a bit extra on the friendly-and-try-to-not-traumatize-people-who-might-be-trying side of things.
`embedding-shape` answered it better than I could have, but I will add: I "ban" people from meetups who are overall bad for the group.
E.g. people who register to take up a (free) spot and then don't show up after multiple reminders, people who are especially rude to somebody fragile, even people who are unconstructively / loudly negative (picture the equivalent of walking into an auditorium of 800+ people, picking up the microphone on stage to yell "this meetup sucks!" then walking out).
This policy is controversial and I'm always trying to find the balance between being as welcoming as possible to people who aren't neurotypical or are going through a hard time and need the social interaction (e.g. me, multiple times in my life)... and people who just come off as jerks and are a net negative to the group.
I'm in multiple groups myself and I always measure myself by whether my showing up that day was a net positive, neutral or a net negative. If the latter, I don't belong there... at least not until I fix whatever was wrong.
I use Blood on the Clocktower to do this, it's a social deduction game (that's just not randomly accusing each other) so it gets everyone talking easily
It has been my experience that social deduction games are very attractive to folks who have problems socializing in day-to-day life. You can see them almost come alive when they are given the permission.
I think a lot of people need prompting for something to talk about. They have no confidence that topics they bring up will be interesting to anyone else. So any kind of gathering that takes that pressure off will be attractive.
I've been trying to come up with some interesting prompts after observing just asking someone "What's been happening" yields nothing but "Oh not much, work". So far the old classics of just probing in to what they do for work, what they did last weekend, etc and then finding any bit of info to drill down in to more interesting topics works best.
Also very important to recognize most conversation starters are someone serving the ball to you, you need to hit it back with a continuation. If you're giving one word dead end answers you've just caught the ball and dropped it.
I was a bit surprised to read this. I didn't think I'd stand out in the sea of comments here. But to this, since a couple of years ago I had a break up, moved city, quit all social media and went outside to real events. HN is the only place I still comment on.
Yes and the reverse is also true. I don’t like to play social games at my meetups because that’s a framework that seems to stifle genuine conversation. I do sometimes provide hypothetical questions as a bit of scaffolding.
> You can receive $1 million immediately for every 1 year of your life you are willing to give up (taken off the end of your life). How many years, if any, do you sell?
> You get to ask a "Cosmic Google" one single question about any mystery in history (e.g., "Who was Jack the Ripper?" or "Are we alone in the universe?") and get the absolute truth. What are you asking?
> If everyone in the world had a floating stat above their head (like "lies told" or "pizzas eaten"), which stat would you want to be able to see?
Same. I don't like to yuck other people's yums, but I don't get a lot from those kinds of games. Talking to strangers is not a problem for me.
I have been spending a bit of time at the local board game shops and the crowd sounds quite similar to the crowd you are attracting. On a very basic level I just try to model being a social adult and hope it rubs off.
the one and only meetup i ever went to (that wasn't something vaguely work-related) was a Werewolf meetup (the game). It actually wasn't very social, but it was a bunch of people who were really into Werewolf. Which, really, was what it was meant to be (and it was fun, because i love to play Werewolf)
Although I've had some fun with deduction games, I'm usually extremely averse to them. Forced to sit down and try to lie while listen to my voice suspiciously, then having the group turn against me and all my friends and randos interrogating and accusing me... it's like a special hell-dream come to life.
Indeed, and if you're especially good at it and win the game, then everybody knows from then on that you can't be trusted because you can't be easily read.
Similarly, I did group therapy for a few years, and found it highly and profoundly rewarding.
It's much more structured, with a facilitator to help reduce the possibility of dangerous behaviours. It forced me to confront aspects of myself I otherwise might never have. It also (I think) gave me greater insight into what might be behind people's public faces.
I can confirm that this is a great hobby. I did a weekly meet up, man, nearly 20 years ago, which was at the same time and place every week, and we (me and the core clique which consolidated within a month) advertised it on Twitter, which was niche enough at the time that you’d get a bunch of interesting weirdos showing up.
It’s how I met my wife, how I met a whole bunch of people who still feature in my life decades on, how businesses got started, and so much came out of it for everyone involved. It probably helped that we did it over beer and burgers, as one was a social lubricant and the other robbed people of an excuse to leave early. Plus afterwards it transformed into poker back at my place, which was how I really got to know people fast.
Talking to strangers is fun - as is figuring out which strangers will like which other weirdos you’ve got to know and buddy them up.
I organise events as well and I'm wondering if you ever charged for them. I used to do them for free but so many people signed up and didn't attend later that it was hard to put numbers to book a venue to meet. How did you solve this?
i would do free venues only. usually restaurants are free because you consume food. if that is not an option, it depends on the cost. i have seen events where people were asked to contribute something when they arrive. you can usually announce the cost of the venue and ask everyone to contribute appropriately. if you fall short then next time ask people to contribute more. or keep a running tally during the event until the venue cost is met. from my personal feeling, if it costs more than $1-2 per person the venue is too expensive. find a cheaper one.
Huh? I have zero stubbed toe anxiety. If it happens it happens.
But knowing that I'm being classified by event organizers (and that there's a 10% chance I will be labeled "complete weirdo")? That will keep me from participating in events.
Which is too bad because I already have enough reasons not to participate in events without adding neuroses on top of them.
I'm pretty sure the OP didn't mean they literally put a note in an excel document next to your name. So to explore the issue, is your anxiety around the fact that some people will think some aspects of your personality or behavior or weird? Because I could drop you into the middle of Vietnam (or whatever, pick some country you've never been to) and like 90% of people would think you're a bit weird. It's not really a bad thing, is it?
Anyway in my experience what the OP is referring to is less "nuerodivergent weirdness" and more "Will this person do violence" weirdness. Or, like, people that are just coming to events to try to fuck, and being obnoxious about it.
It's not necessary to literally put an asterisk in an Excel doc: we all know off-hand who the weirdos of concern are.
"Do violence" from a meetup event is rarely a concern in most countries, but never 0.
Mainly the people I'm concerned about are the ones who make others want to leave and never come back.
E.g. by asking uncomfortable and/or sexual questions (which is mostly fine) but not having the EQ after a few iterations to let the person politely weasel out of answering and change the subject. If they really press people, or monopolize the conversation to the point the person wonders why they would show up just to be lectured at, then that's a no-go.
We can all tolerate people who mean well and are mostly easy-going but not good at hangouts. Whereas the ones who are actively repelling newbies from being able to join and enjoy the event are the main challenge.
For example, at other meetups I go to, we've got a fellow who can't take feedback. He knows he made a newbie uncomfortable to the point of standing up and going home, but he makes a joke out of it when he's told what happened and why. Every time... and so the pattern repeats.
I imagined everyone at these events independently classifying everyone else and just sort of nodding knowingly at each other about who the weirdos are.
And so the fact that I don't do that must mean that I'm one of the weirdos. And sure, it doesn't really matter other than it's a reason to avoid events.
Context dependant. I do similar to the OP. Sometimes my events have one other person, sometimes 40.
First, you have to do whatever it takes to make you able to just do things alone, frequently, and then go ahead and do things alone, frequently. Picnics, cafe co-working, reading in a lounge/cafe/bar, walks, bike rides, hikes, photo walks, star gazing, whatever. Literally anything.
You'll probably meet people while doing this. Get their contact info. Eventually, mention "oh hey I play basketball a couple times a month, want me to text you next time I'm planning?" Repeat, you have a crew or five. A couple group chats.
Then start planning bigger events. Book 8 person tables at a restaurant, then drop a note in your chat like this:
```
Reservation for 8 at UR Meat on Tuesday April whatever, 7pm, the new kbbq place near zhongxiao fuxing station.
1. komali2
2.
3.
4...
```
People will copy/paste adding their name so you can see how many seats are filled. I've tried 10 other booking platforms, apps, whatever, nothing beats the group text thing. The group chat is where shit happens.
For more casual events like picnics, just drop a maps link and a time, remind people a couple days before, day before, and day of send a pic with where you are in the park or whatever (the "final push" for people are hesitant but see that it's really real and thus come).
Repeat, scale as desired. The consistent thread is that you have to Just Do Stuff, and people have to know that you'll Just Do Stuff regardless if people come or not, so they come see you as a dependable and fun person, a great person to tag along with.
If you had to guess how I'd suggest you start, what would you think I'd say? My advice is probably just that or something no better that what you'd guess.
You start by starting. The first meetup will have a couple people and you let it be awkward and not quite right. Then you do a second, and a third...
In German speaking areas there's an app called Spontacts where one can advertise any sorts of events and people can sign up. Like MeetUp but free and it actually works. Lots of people offer board games, walks, brunch. I got into it recently advertising spontaneous ping pong get togethers. Met some really cool people so far.
Exactly. I actually find normies quite unbearable.
My comment was not very serious. I can easily pull off a normie affect, but the most disappointing thing to me is most people's inability to cope with even a little strangeness.
Write explicit rules about dogs. Many "weirdos" just like their boundaries and basic hygiene. It is hard to socialize, over barking contest and rar dog humpimg your leg.
You have to accept that 5-15% of the people who would show up to something like this are genuine weirdos you probably don't want to be around. And another 10% at any given meetup are autistic or neuro-divergent but well-meaning, kind and full of interesting insights and hobbies, although perhaps difficult to socialize with, at least until they get to know you're well-meaning too.
These challenges come with the territory. You end up talking to people you'd otherwise never meet in the normal course of your life, and it's neutral at worst and wonderful at best.